Recently a friend asked if there were any days when I just sobbed the kind of tears that took one’s breath away? She was worried about another friend who seems to not have grieved at all over the loss of her son because she never sees her cry. Surely, we all grieve differently. Surely, her friend is crying. There are just times we are desperate to pretend that we are not the poor moms who have lost our children. We just want it to be the way it used to be. We deal with the devil bargaining to get our children back; to go back to normal. We don’t want to cry.
The lack of tears in the public eye helps to shield those around us from our pain; a kind of mothering protective effect. Maybe there is a fear that if we are crying all the time then no one will want us around. There is a real fear of isolation and abandonment by all the others in the world we love. I totally remember my “poised” days when I did not cry in front of others only to retreat to the privacy of my bedroom to scream my head off and punch pillows. It was only me, myself and I in my weakest and saddest moments. It’s just the way it is. It is sometimes easier and safer to cry alone.
It’s been 2 1/2 years since I lost my son. I still cry. It is normal. Any little trigger that reminds me of William can set me off. I thought I got through Thanksgiving unscathed. However, the morning after, while walking the dog on the beach, there were construction workers fixing a house ravished by hurricane Sandy playing country music on the radio. William and I shared a love of country music. It was the Rodney Atkins song, “If Your Going Through Hell” and the lyrics, “Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart”……….. it made me think of William and how he gave me the call name “broken compass” because I have no sense of direction and can’t find my way out of a box. I spent the morning crying on the beach. Just me, myself and I…and the dog who loves me no matter what.
“But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet”. It seems to take less time to recover from moments like those on the beach. There is a neighborhood holiday cookie swap tomorrow and baking cookies helps me snap out of my funk. Inspired by a bottle of Bella Gusta blood orange EVOO I decide to create a biscotti. It’s a lightly sweet, crisp almond cookie with just a touch of orange and chocolate bitterness. It’s great for dunking in your favorite holiday beverage.
